Wedding vows are one of the most intimate and cherished parts of your wedding ceremony. It is your chance to express your love, commitment, and aspirations for your life together. Often, we have clients that may lean away from writing their vows, simply because it feels like a daunting task. Writing your vows can be overwhelming. How do you put something so profound into words? But, the beauty of writing your own vows is that they don’t have to be poetic or formal to be meaningful. Your vows just need to come from your heart. If you are having writer's block, or you are struggling to find the right words, do not panic. Let us guide you to help you craft vows that reflect your true feelings and feel authentic to your relationship and yourself.
STEP 1: Before you even put pen to paper, you will want to take time to reflect on your relationship. You may often want to start with what drew you to your partner in the first place. What moments or qualities do you admire most about your partner or relationship? Here are some guiding questions we recommend starting with:
When did you first know you were in love?
How does your partner make you feel supported or seen?
How has your partner helped you grow as a person?
What qualities does your partner bring into your life?
What can you always count on your partner to do?
Simple reflections will provide a foundation for your vows. Don’t worry about trying to make them sound perfect right away. Just let your thoughts flow and capture your feelings.
STEP 2: Now, it’s easy to focus just on your feelings. But, as much as you want to take this moment to pour your heart out and talk about how much you love your partner, your vows should focus on your promises and your future together. Yes, you want to highlight some of your favorite qualities of your relationship and partner, but you’ll want to reference some of your common promises to each other. Think about classic, traditional vows for this part. Do you plan on…
To support each other through thick and thin
To always listen and communicate openly
To be loyal, kind, and patient
To grow together and face challenges as a team
Whether your promises are big or small, write about what truly resonates with you and your relationship. For example, you might promise your partner to never go to bed angry, or to make each other smile every day.
STEP 3: As you write your vows, think about structure. You will want to maintain a structure, or a flow but write your vows to feel personal. Instead of relying on generic, overused phrases, include specific details that will make your vows feel authentic. You can expand on the generalized phrases and create your own uniqueness. For example, swap “I promise to love you forever” to “I promise to love you in all the moments, when we are laughing together over a cup of coffee and in all the quiet moments.” Adding details will make your vows more memorable and reflect the unique aspects of your relationships.
STEP 4: Your vows should sound like you. It is not a good idea to let your friend, even though they may be a slam dunk creative writer, to write your vows for you. You do not have to be a natural poet or write perfectly to write your vows. Vows do not need to be long winded or have the flows of a poem’s stanza. Speak naturally, and write naturally. If you are a naturally humorous person, add a little bit of humor, but be mindful of the tone of the ceremony. If you lean more on the serious side, your vows can still be heartfelt and sincere. Stay true to who you are as a person and your personality. You don’t want your vows to be outside of who you are.
STEP 5: Humor is okay. But you want to make sure that your humor is light hearted but doesn’t undercut your partner. Laughter can lighten the moment and can often make your vows feel more authentic. Just be sure that it fits the tone of your ceremony and doesn’t make your vows less sincere.
When it comes to the actual structure of your vows, you want to break it down into a simple four step process. We recommend that you follow this structure:
Open with a personal memory or story that grounds your vows. Talk about the first time you met your partner, or the moment that you “knew”
Think about what makes your partner or your relationship special or unique. What about your relationship makes you want to spend your life with them?
Now it is time to highlight the promises that you’ll make. Promise what matters the most in your relationship, both big and small.
Last, close it up. Focus on the future and your hopes for your new life together as a married couple.
STEP 6: Write your vows down. We highly recommend you write a bulleted version or just jot down the full version on a piece of paper. Write it on a small card or notecard. You may want to choose stationary that will look good on camera, especially if you plan on getting some detail shots. Don’t forget to practice reading your vows outloud! We highly recommend that you practice to smooth out any phrasing, make sure that the tone of your vows sounds like you and is natural, and to determine the total length of time. Keep practicing until your vows feel natural and comfortable. The more you practice, the more familiar your vows will become. Don’t strive for memorization, but like anything – well rehearsed moments will help you feel more confident and natural.
It can be a truly powerful and meaningful moment to write your own vows. But, the most powerful vows are vows that are honest and emotionally open. Your vows do not have to be perfect or polished. Your vows just have to be sincere and raw. It is okay to let your vulnerability show during your ceremony. These are the raw and genuine moments that will be unforgettable.
Writing your own vows are not for everyone. But it is a special gift to your partner. It is a moment of clarity during the middle of a busy. Your vows are your opportunity to speak your truth, define and shout your love for your partner, and celebrate your love and future to come. So, get out that piece of paper, open your heart, leave some space for vulnerability, and start writing. You can do this – you’ve got what you need to write your wedding vows!
Lori Losee is the owner of Elegant Affairs, a Tacoma Wedding Planner with over 20 years of experience. We create awe-inspiring experiences—Events filled with meaning and refined elegance. Behind the scenes, our experienced team collaborates on each stage of the process, executing your vision and a wedding, celebration, or corporate event that is unique to you.